Meal Log.

I woke up this morning approximately 20 minutes from the time that we were supposed to be at the hospital, fortunately the uncooperative patient aka my mother was ready to go.  We did the normally ½ hour trip in 22 minutes, if this were a workout I would have turned the car back around and tried to make it back to my parents place in 21:30, miracle mile style.

The night before I didn’t fall sleep until past midnight, and woke up at least once or twice during the night.  I don’t know why it’s so hard to get a goodnight sleep at my parent’s house, but its just impossible to feel rested. 

At the hospital my mother went through the pre-operative check in process, meeting with the paper pusher, and having an IV put in by a nurse.  Why is it that there are so many nurses out there who just can’t stick a patient properly?  You would think if you were a nurse working in a part of the hospital were you stick people every day, and start IV’s for pre-op patients on an almost hourly basis that at some point you would get good at your job.  The nurse stuck my 3 or 4 times, and when she did finally set the IV it became infiltrated as soon as my mother was put on a hospital bed, and her arm ballooned up, I was afraid people would think I was abusing my mother.

By this time she had been moved to the pre-operative batter’s box, we had to tell a doctor about the IV, it still took another 10 minutes for someone to take it out, and another 25 minutes to have someone reinsert a new IV.  To our surprise the same woman came to stick my mom again, she miraculously after only 4 tries had the IV set correctly.

It was a good thing for my mother that she had already been given pain killers, anti-inflammatory medicine, and was being prepped for anesthesia.  I’m sure by the time Broom Hilda stuck her again she could have used a spoon, and my mom would have told her felt fantastic.

They finally kicked me out to go wait in the family waiting area; I sat in a chair for no more than 5 minutes when my own snoring woke me up.  I had fallen asleep, I dozed in and out of sleep in this seated position for almost an hour.  I was finally woken up by a volunteer who told me that it was my turn to see the Doctor.  The Doctor told me everything went great, whenever I see Doctor Hamilton it’s hard for me to focus on what he’s saying because he could be a voice twin of Jim Nantz.  Every time the Doctor starts to talk I’m waiting for some poetic description of August National Golf Course, and talks about the history of the Masters Golf Tournament. 

Following her surgery my sister showed up, with some much needed coffee.  I spent the rest of the afternoon with my mom in her room, helping with the start of her physical therapy.  Around 3:00 PM I sat in the visitor’s chair, and passed out again.  I think I slept for another hour straight.  If my back hadn’t start hurting I’m sure I would still be in that position. 

With everything ok with my mother, I left the hospital around 4:00 PM with every intention of going home to workout.  When I got home, it wasn’t going to happen today.  My legs were super stiff, my body was really tired, and I had been sneaking extra snacks, and not drinking enough water.

I didn’t eat anything bad for me, but it was the first time in two months that I had eaten unplanned snacks.  They were like the impulsive buys you make of random crap, and later ask yourself why the fuck did I buy that?  I’m talking to all the flobbie owners out there, you know what I’m talking about.

I caught myself half way through the day with the snacking; I had eaten a bag of nuts that my sister brought, when I asked myself why am I eating this.  I’m not hungry. 

It’s a habit formed from the days when I used to work 13-15 hour days.  When we first opened one of the washes I was putting in 100 hour weeks.  During this period I would find myself naturally just reaching for food.  It was almost an unconscious need to replenish the fuel I was burning, like many of our unconscious behaviors I didn’t make smart choices and usual picked items which were more about texture, and chewing then the flavor of the food.   

I found myself entering this abyss again today, and was able to take a step back before the abyss swallowed me whole.  It allowed me to re-evaluate my eating choices for the day, and I made a conscious effort to go to a grocery store on my way home so I could replenish my fridge with fruits, veggies, and fish. 

I could have easily turned this entire day into an eating binge, before Malibu that’s quite possibly what would have happened and doing so I would have sabotage all the work I had done leading up to this moment.  It’s in this type of moment of adversity, where we have to act.  We have to wake up the subconscious mind, and give him a bitch slap, and say not today jjjjjunior. 

I believe I am becoming a new man, perhaps finally finding the way to be the man I always knew I could be, only time will tell, and my actions will determine whether my desire to be better will come to fruition.