01/02/2012 The New Year

I have a great deal of desires this coming year, it’s the first time in a long time that I’ve started a year with even a morsel of hope about the upcoming year.  During the previous 8 years I really didn’t know the difference from year to year, to be perfectly honest I didn’t care.

Can you imagine someone in his 20’s not caring about his life passing by him?

I now find myself trying to find a way to live.

There is a world of difference between the basic definitions of “live”, mostly some derivation of sustaining oneself, and the act of living.  I guess ultimately what I am differentiating is a life spent just passing through the days and hours versus one which is filled with rich experiences.  It’s this desire to find and live these “rich experiences” which has begun to brew in me, and is pushing me to do more with my life, and to change how I approach my life. 

I no longer want to live a life of “comfort”, “habit”, and “routine”.  All of which are not invaluable to me but, are words that when define how you live means that instead of finding ways to live your life, you are actually just waiting to die.  I think there is a part of me that has been waiting to die since I was 16 years old, the normal teen angst taken to an extreme, then burnt into the heart of a disgruntled never-been writer. 

I look at the 10 years of my life, and don’t find much that I am proud to have done, and see most of it as lost time, personally, professionally, and most important spiritually.  When I talk about spirituality I talk more about the core feelings, and experiences that make us human, I see so often in religion these ideas about morality, and bettering the religion but no talk on how to feed the human soul without just having “faith”, there are many ways to nourish the soul that don’t involve praying in church, or making an homage to a historical place.

There once was a boy who aspired too many great things, and had a burning desire to make an impact in his world, this boy eventually became an angry fucking miserable obese man.  The angry obese miserable fucking man started to lose some weight and became less angry, but still fucking miserable, he is today working towards not being angry, and joyful about his life, and may one day find the spirit of the boy who aspired to great things, and a desire to change the world for the better.  Who knows if the angry guy can do it, but the boy for sure is trying to break out.

Words like "hope", "happiness", "joy", "pride", and "confidence" have all but been foreign to me for quite a long time, and I find myself struggling to fathom what my world would look like with some of these emotions in my life.  

Every man's life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived and how he died that distinguish one man from another. –Ernest Hemingway

Recap 01/02/2012

Started my New Year with a 6am WoD at Patriot Crossfit.  Today’s work involved doing overhead squats, even with all the Olympic lifting the last month today is actually only the second time I’ve done Overhead Squats with more than 95 lbs. 

The worksets were to do two sets of 3 then three sets of 2 and three sets of 1.  Due to the small size this morning it was almost like a private group session.  I did my sets of 3 at 115 lbs, my sets of 2 at 135 lbs, and my sets of 1 at 155 lbs.  I know for a fact I could have gone heavier, but at 155 lbs I felt a bit uneasy with the bar over my head.

Video from 1 set at 115 lbs, and 1 set at 135 lbs.

The Metcon today was a 21-15-9 of kettle bell swings, and burpees.  Did I ever mention that I…

FUCKING HATE BURPEES!!

Any movement that requires me to move my own bodyweight makes me miserable it’s probably why I hate running so much.

I finished the workout in 5:20 RX meaning I did as prescribed.  I’m happy that I did it Rx but not satisfied with my time.

Right after the warm-up I started to feel light headed, and then my chest started fluttering, I was starting to get a chill even though the gym was like an oven.  I realized that my blood sugar was probably falling well below hypoglycemic levels, the day before I hadn’t eaten much because my stomach was still fucked form New Years Eve.

I had to slug 3 containers of Coconut Water which each has 15 grams of sugar.  After the third one I started to feel better.  I think it’s another reason why I didn’t go heavier on the overhead squats, it further caused me to start the Metcon cold, and I didn’t actually feel warmth in my body until the second round of work. 

I so desperately want to get off of my medication, having fat man diabetes aka Type 2 sucks.  My present physical changes, make it a constant pain in my ass because the medication starts to become too effective, so I have to change it regularly. 

To add to my goals of 2012 I want to get off of the Fat Man Diabetes Medication.