On the eve what is surely going to be the start of a major
test in my life, I find myself unable to sleep. There is a clear lack of understanding of
what lies ahead and in front of me, while what I face is not the end of the
world, in fact relative to most problems faced by other people in the world,
the road ahead is quite trivial, yet I can’t help but feel fearful of my own inadequacies. And the possible damage those inadequacies could
cause the progress I’ve made with my health.
I will truly find out over the next three months whether or
not my physical transformation was truly an evolution, and not a short term
Were all the actions that I’ve taken over the last 16 months
part of a single desire to not be fat, or were they incremental steps that
evolved into a lifestyle change, this is a question I can’t answer tonight,
tomorrow, or within the next couple of weeks.
Where I end up in a few months will reveal whether all the shit I’ve
written on this blog were truth or a bunch of hot air from a loud mouth
I’ve battled my weight my entire life, and as much as it has
sucked in the past, I always had the ability to physically exert myself, it’s
been a crucial tool, and perhaps also a major crutch. It’s so easy to tell yourself that you can
make up for the cheese Danish you just ate by working out longer, or harder,
because in my twisted mind the caloric balance was all that mattered, even
after all I’ve come to believe about weight and diet I still find myself at
times justifying poor choices by this shitty logic.
I’m pretty sure this
mindset of treating my body like a simple math equation is how I started down
the road towards 400 lbs.
In the next few weeks how will I justify my actions when I
do something stupid like eat a cupcake.
With the doctor telling me that most physical activities are out for at
least 3-6 weeks, and that beginning in week 4 I can start doing mild low
intensity workouts, there won’t be much room for error, or justification.
It’s been a crazy year so far, I’ve stumbled more this year
than the last, and have found myself constantly frustrated and mired in a self
created plateau. I can blame my injury,
but the truth of the matter is I’ve existed in a pity party since the day after
I got the diagnosis on my shoulder, and ultimately I haven’t met my goal weight.
Getting to 200 lbs was well within my reach, there were
several points in the second half of 2012 where I was close to getting my
weight below 220 and stopped, not because I gave up or it got too hard, but I’d
make a stupid choice, like getting shitfaced or eating a series of meals that
would take me so far of course I needed a Rybear bitch slap to get my senses
I lost that all
consuming desire which drove me through 2011, and was the engine behind my
I have to find that desire and let that animal out again it’s
the only way I see a successful end to this process.
Without CrossFit for a couple of months I have made a
serious decision to only focus on body weight reduction. There will be no muscle building, so fat
losing should be a cinch, nothing to confuse on the scale.
I am going to eat 100% clean, focus on PT, and do whatever
physical activity I can without causing damage to my shoulder.
What’s going to make this road even tougher is that I’ve
bought into the social aspect of PCF, there is a sense of comradery and team
that has helped my transform working out from something miserable to something
The once loner who would kill himself in the gym on his own,
has found a way to do drive that intensity while interacting with others, I now
have to turn the desire to reach out, off, and get back into my tunnel and focus
on just me. What’s worse I will probably
have to get a membership at Golds or WSC so I have somewhere to go, it’s
Much of what I write right now is disjointed and confusing
even to me, it’s a series of random thoughts, and things that have been running
in my head the last couple of weeks, maybe it’s the pain killer I’ve taken tonight
(the doctor wanted me to test pain meds to make sure I can tolerate them), or
it’s just the uneasiness I feel blogging again, but in any case it’s all new
There is part of me that thinks, what I can learn over the
next 6 months are lessons I would have never had a chance to learn if not for
an injury like the one I have, diet is 70% of body composition, and it will be
the only tool I can use to reach my goal weight.
The following song is going to be my anthem during this