So this is what my fridge looks like:
I actually ate two of my meals yesterday, spending most of the day hungry like:
By the evening I felt like like:
A major thought I had today is the concept of children. Where I live in Clarendon I am reminded constantly of both youth, and adult responsibilities. I am torn because I would like to have children, but keep the reality of children in the distant future. Ultimately, I think this battle I’ve waged against my own body for decades is both an indicator and cause of my reluctance of children entering my life.
For a large part of my life, I’ve put myself on a physical yo-yo. Whether or not the weight fluctuations are an outward reflection of my emotional state, or the status of my psyche is the cause, I can’t fully say. I do know the two are genetically linked, like the two biopolymer strands coiled together creating the double helix of DNA.
I’ve spent the last two years working to reach the root cause of my frustration with my life. On the fattestblog, I wrote extensively about my desire to find a life’s purpose. Something I was beginning to think was a bunch of new aged hippie bullshit reincarnated into narcissistic, millennial mommy me bullshit. On this site, I find myself knowing the life I want to lead yet no clear plan of execution. Its like having a gun and no bullets, a car with no gas, or a taco with no shell…its just meat.
I reached a bit of an epiphany yesterday afternoon, the baggage of taking on familial responsibilities has been I accepted out of obligation, and filiality. My parents never once asked for anything from my siblings and myself; but I knew early on in my life th
e task of taking care of my parents in their old age would fall to me. Its one of the earliest memories I have from childhood. I think this early realization instilled in me a sense of fate, which I never overcame. While I’ve always been
In any case the understanding my life would involve taking care of the two people who sacrificed everything for their children including me, has been a container ship sitting on my head like a fedora. It took an older smarter man than myself to frame it in a way, which gave me the freedom to make the best decisions for me.
This gray haired man told me my problem was one of morality. He defined morality in the framework of the one inbred drive all animals have, the desire to propagate the species. <Rant Insert>If you don’t think you’re an animal stop reading my blog, because you’re too fucking stupid to be my friend. Seriously, I’m going to run for office one day and when this comes up, I’m going to have a Trump moment and I’m going to say, you’re too fucking stupid to vote for me. </Rant Insert> All animals desire to create more of their own species, in the animal world the training parental units give their offspring are in the best interest of species survival.
My older friend further indicated within the framework of human beings, our intellect gives us a deeper desire extending beyond species survival. Universally members of humanity desire to create a platform for the next generation to live a “better” life than the current generation’s life. While the definition of “better” is as diverse as humanity itself, the intent of generational progression is worldwide.
We as Americans live in a country built on this very principle of upward mobility, and enhanced qualities of life. My grey bearded friend stated anything preventing the ability of one generation surpassing the previous one contradicts the natural order. Defiance of the natural order is an immoral situation.
He then connected his definition of morality with the thought even the preceding generation is capable of natural immorality. My friend likened it to a dancer who doesn’t know when to get off the stage. By staying on the stage too long, the younger dancer in the wing is being prevented from getting the opportunity to succeed or fail. This impediment to progress is immoral, and contradictory to nature.
Essentially if I am to exceed the success of my parents I am following the natural order of things, yet if I can’t surpass their efforts because their inability to accept change, or relinquish control of certain aspects of their lives, they area acting immorally. My friend added one last thought, I am lucky because in my situation the issue of taking care of my parents in their retirement, and my ability to act freely are aligned. The more room I have to take calculated risks provides me the opportunity to enhance my ability to take care of them.
This conversation gave me the emotional clearance to act. Although I haven’t taken action. I’m Hamlet, I know the truth about the King and my mother, I know what I need to do, but I don’t know the next step. Critically important to this whole process is the fact I’ve accepted that in the short run I could hurt my parent’s feelings, and cause them to have feelings of inadequacy; yet in the long run as I long as I continue down my present path towards financial abundance I am concurrently securing their care in the long-term.
Anyone who cares for aging parents understands my bipolar feelings of absolute mania for doing the right thing, and deep depression when we feel guilty for feeling burdened. The connection between my emotional state, weight, and my obligations isn’t clear to me. I do know stress is a key factor which causes me to gain weight like Ashton Kutcher butchers acting roles…uncomfortably quick and effective.
Today is a new day, all I can do is continue to push myself to eat better. Until I strip away some of my workload I won’t have the time to workout, a major stress reliever in the right context. For now, my diet is the only way for me to get healthy.
Whether or not accepting the righteous moral path will provide me the space for me to take on the responsibility of children, I won’t know for a few years. I do know when that time comes I will act within the natural order of life.