Change Comes When You Are Truly Ready…

I find myself this morning in a state of confusion…check that, perhaps more of a state of clarity mixed with misperception. In my post Sex, Life, and Rock & Roll I talked about this great inspiration which entered my life. Unbelievably, this light which came into my life got me off my ass and moving. As a result this single change in my life has started the wheels turning in other parts of my life.

In the book Power of Habit, Charles Duhig writes about keystone habits. The gist of the keystone habit concept is some habits impact other habits in our lives. They function similar to a large cog in a mechanical system of cogs. By this keystone habit turning, the force of it turns other connected smaller wheels setting off a chain reaction of changes in all areas of our lives. The altering of a single pattern becomes the catalyst in lifestyle changes. For me a keystone habit is maintaining my health and fitness. It directly impacts all areas of my life.

All of these ideas, and concepts I’ve written about in the past. In fact in the previous incarnation of my blog, the fattestblog, I wrote how I had instilled habits which would be lifelong; however we now know they weren’t permeant. I texted my good friend, who we will call Red Bear or RB. The abbreviation is actually a funny name his mom calls him, which she blasted all over facebook. It was the happiest day in my life.

So the exchange goes like this:


The important texts following RedBears texts:

“It was all driven by anger, pain, and fear which when it goes away there(s) no more juice to run. You’re just there with your thoughts.”

What these words told me was…as much as I had transformed myself previously, I didn’t do the work to change whatever ailed me internally. Somehow during the two years I ballooned back up, I spent time getting at the core of my insecurities.

Really, what I had was a first world problem of existential soul searching. The type of crap I love to leave snarky comments on twitter or facebook, like “Waaa, your depends are on aisle 2.”

Dont Exist - Beautiful Girl Touching Text On Transparent Surface

The reality of it all is I am human. I’ve accepted this fact. Sounds strange, but I’ve always perceived myself as more than human because I could endure the worst types of pain, stay numb to the outside world, keep myself distant from everyone, and still survive (insert ironic moment here). I don’t tell my friends that I have a problem of self-loathing because its funny, its probably because I try to create levity for myself. You might read this and think I am a deeply disturbed man, which I’ll give you. If you knew the type of things I search for on it would probably reinforce your judgement. However, the feelings of insecurity, stress, fear, and desire I keep tucked away I believe are feelings that most men have…even the ones who show bravado. They probably have the deepest insecurities, there’s that and the fact they hate their mothers.

My ultimate point today being, as much as we as individuals may want change, the type of change which we know we are capable of, that life, your subconscious won’t let you achieve those things until you’re truly ready.

I stand today on the precipice of the river Rubicon, and I like it. Fuck the Senate, I am Caesar ready to conquer the world in the way I see it…even if that means becoming the best taco dealer in Northern Virginia, or making the best damn Churros in the world.

Jordanian men dresses as Roman soldier

Benchmark Today


  • RedBear prescribed the following workout:
    4 rounds
  • 50 kb swings 45 lbs
  • 800 meter run
  • 40 wall push ups
  • 400 meter run
  • 30 sit-ups
  • 200 meter run
  • 20 Up-Downs
  • 100 meter run


  • What I ended up doing was 3 rounds of the following:
  • 50 kb swings 45 lbs
  • 3 minute run @ 5 mph 5 incline
  • 40 wall push ups
  • 2 minute run @ 5 mph 5 incline
  • 30 sit-ups
  • 1.5 minute run @ 5 mph 5 incline
  • 20 Up-Downs
  • 1 minute run @ 5 mph 5 incline
  • 49:56

It was fucking painful. It was fucking awful. It was fucking fantastic!

Here’s a clip of the last round:

I’m officially dubbing this “Fathead” for my giant head. And my benchmark workout. I’m going to do this workout again in thirty days. I want to see how different things are…


One additional item of note this week. On Tuesday I was agitated for some reason, and I worked out three times. In the morning I did an EMOM for 60 minutes, at lunch I did 16 hill sprints, and in the evening I put on my pack with 25 lbs, and put on my altitude mask and hiked for 45 minutes. Now that’s a fucking win-win.

Leave a Reply