Meal Log.

It’s Thursday, and I needed an extra day of rest.  When I woke up this morning, getting out of bed felt like I was a vampire waking up at the wrong time and rolling out of my coffin at noon instead of midnight.  I couldn’t open my eyes, and every bit of light was like a shearing ray of pain, which is funny because my eyes genetically don’t open that much to begin with.  If you get this joke, pat yourself on your back you are a racist. 

After a quick Kashi Breakfast I knew the possibility of working out today was going to be pretty low.  My body was tight, and it was difficult for me to walk around the house.

 After a quick walk with the dog I headed to work, and spent a good deal of time putting out fires.  I am still trying to keep my cool and not let issues at work destroy how I feel about my day, the stress I build up is like poison in my body, and I need as much positive energy flowing through my body as humanly possible.  I need this energy like air, it’s what gives me the ability to get up time and time again.  I imagine a day in the near future where I can remove myself completely from the frontlines, so I can enjoy some serenity. 

In the late afternoon I headed to my parents place to help my mother with her physical therapy, but when I got there I felt out of it, so I sat on her couch, and that’s when I entered into a coma.  I passed out, it happened similar to the last hour of a night of drinking; you remember certain aspects of the late night, but not the actual moment when you lost consciousness.  A few times during my power nap, the dogs at her place woke me slightly, but I think I mumbled some angry command, and pushed them off the couch.  When I finally woke up I had missed my personal training session with Zap, and had actually at some point texted him the words “I’m Done”, I don’t recall texting him.  It’s a good thing I’m becoming saner with my weight loss.

The nap was better than sex or a big bowl of ice cream, you know you are getting old when sex is comparable to certain types of comfort food; it was exactly what I needed.  I actually wanted more of it. 

I was supposed to meet up with Dwayne who I met at the Biggest Loser Malibu, but by the time I woke up and talked to him it was too late, he needed to get an early nights rest so he can run a 5K tomorrow morning.  It was good to catch up with someone who understands what I’m trying to do; he’s lost 75lbs already and has been able to keep it off.  He also has a blog which you can check out here.

 He’s too hard on himself sometimes, I do this as well but he drastically underestimates his ability to work intensely, inside he has a tiger waiting to rip out of his chest, so as an additional accountability factor we are talking about getting together once every 2-3 months and do an overnight hiking trip or some type of physical event.

We are going to attempt to get together tomorrow night, maybe I’ll get a chance to see a familiar face, someone else who tries to turn his workout t-shirts into a wet sweaty sponge.  It’s a mindset that until you develop it’s hard to understand.  I guess this is how religious zealots feel about non-believers. 

I’m going to call a high school friend in the morning that is in the fitness industry, and talk to him about being my strength and conditioning coach.  I’m absolutely sure I have to start cycling my work out periods.  I’m just not sure how often I should work out really hard and what should I do in the down week?  I realize the key to maintaining everything is to adhere to my new fond eating habits.  I am cautious about calling it a diet, because this is not a temporary change in meals to lower my weight, but a permanent lifelong lifestyle change. 

It was nice not to sweat for a day in the middle of the week, but tomorrow I’m going to have to hit hard to make up for my slacking today.  It will be the last two workouts of the week, so I ‘m going to give it my all, and leave it at the gym.

In hopes of upcoming weight loss I went to the fat guy store, and bought a handful of t-shirts and shorts, which are the 2x size.  3x is starting to feel big on me, and it’s actually hard trying to figure out what clothes are supposed feel like when they fit.  I also bought a smaller belt, as my present one is one notch away from being too big.  Another few weeks and I’m going to have to buy some new shoes, because the sides of the shoes have been stretched out so far, that even when I tighten the laces as far as they will go my foot still moves around inside the shoe. 

A moment of personal disappointment in myself, my older niece has her first play tomorrow morning.  It’s at her private school, and although she asked me if I’m going, I’m not going to because I don’t want to be the fat uncle which the other kids make fun or say something that will change her view of me.  My niece is 5 going on 30, so she is aware of everything around her, and is sensitive to external factors; she picks up on things that you wouldn’t think a 5 year could, so I don’t want to be that catalyst for having issues with body composition in the future, or issues with classmates, or have her ostracized for protecting me.    Kids have no filter, and they will repeat anything a parent has said.  It only takes one comment overheard by a classmate from a parent to start a mess.  Earlier this year I was on the elevator in my building, and a really cute kid looked at me and smiled, then asked Why are you so fat?  Her mother freaked out and admonished her, I told her it’s okay I’ve heard worse, but that really was a kick in my balls.

I don’t want this to happen in her school environment, where she builds animosity to a classmate who finds it necessary to make fun of the fat uncle.  If there were no impact on my niece of course I don’t mind what little kids would say, but I’m not comfortable with how it could impact my niece. 

As I move forward I am going to have break barriers beyond my physical concerns.  I have built up so many walls which are a direct result of my physical state, that I’m no longer sure which ones are real, and which ones are perceived.  How is it that my relationship with food could have caused me to have such visceral concerns, concerns which are outside of my body, which in my mind are legitimate, and real, but in a logical processing in my brain it seems completely irrational.  I don’t need psychotherapy, but I will have to relearn certain conditioned responses to particular types of stimuli. 

I have made one clear decision; I am going to start mountain climbing again.  It’s something that really connected with my soul, and I am planning a trip next year.  My long shot goal is to climb Mount McKinley, but it may end up being something like Mount Rainer.  Denali National park is a place I’ve wanted to visit since I was a teenager, and I’ve found a good guide service.  Check them out here.

A great quote that I read from some cheesy motivational poster long ago that describes the drive behind Mountaineering is “We do things not to escape life, but to prevent life from escaping us.”  I think it’s from this same place where I draw the drive to push myself in the workouts.