I don't know what is scarier the individual acts that one takes to self-sabotage success, or the habitual destructive behavior which is a result of each act.  By itself the act is isolated and seems avoidable in the future, like a bad pothole in the middle of a neighborhood street logic would tell you to go around the pothole or avoid the damaged street all together.  Yet, as people we still find a way to continuously drive over the same pothole in our lives, even long after that pothole has caused irreparable damage to our psyche we still find a way to seek out that hole in the road.

What causes this type of behavior? 

Why is it so fucking hard to break a pattern?

My weight gain was an unplanned one, I knocked myself up…  I have been trying for years now to lose weight.  At my heaviest I weighed 443 lbs.  At my Leanest (post morbid obesity)  I weighed 333 lbs.  The thinnest I've ever been was 175 lbs in high school.  The worst part about my weight gain is that I didn't even enjoy the food along the way, in fact I don't recall what I ate to get to my present size.

I find myself today attempting to refocus my attention on my weight loss.  This present weight is not only weighing down my personal life, it's hindering my business.  Even as I make progress, eating the right foods, exercising, hiring a personal trainer, I find myself wanting to drive into my personal pothole at full speed.  It's like I'm playing Kung Fu and attempting to beat the game without losing any lives, so every time I lose a man I reset the entire fucking game.  What about a person causes them to gravitate towards insanity? 

I find myself today 31, 385lbs and really just trying to figure out why I want to be fat…At this point if I consistently revert to behaviors which cause me to gain weight again, I must want to be morbidly obese. Otherwise I'm just  crazy fucking asshole who has Zero desire.