How do you resolve the conflict that exists with your own personal ambitions, and your personal dedication to what it is that you do for a living, and your own personal health?

In this last two week stretch I have worked out twice.  Not for a lack of desire, but what started as a chill turned into a cold, which turned into a 10 day epidemic of feeling shitty.  I started to get sick two Friday’s ago.  The weather changing wreaks havoc on me, so it wasn’t unexpected, but I descended rapidly into a bad place. 

As a result of the work schedule I had drawn up for my staff, and the regional trade show pending that Sunday adequate rest was at least a week away. 

By Sunday, the day I had to leave for the tradeshow I was no longer feeling shitty, but I was shit.  My body temperature was alternating between hot, cold, and what the fuck.  I drafted my brother-in law to travel with me, because I was afraid by the end of the show I would be unable to drive home.

There was too much money committed to training sessions, and the necessity to purchase certain items for the operation set conditions which made it impossible to back out.  I could have put my health first and canceled, but I’m not taking a financial hit like that because of a cold, further there are very few opportunities to develop your managers and I wasn’t going to miss the only one that is within driving distance. 

When we reached Atlantic City, I had pounded enough VitaC, Airborne, and Nuun Hydration Tablets to sink a rhino, or in this case make a large asian man feel a little better. 

I don’t get much time to hang out with my brother-in law, and wanting to make up for making him my driving bitch for the week, I was going to do my best to get him liquored up and hopes that he wins some money.  The first night there we had a good meal, and a couple of drinks (bad when sick), we ended up staying up most of the night waiting for a couple of my staff.

When they arrived I wanted to show them a good time, so I stayed up later than I wanted, and drank more than I planned.  By the time I went to bed it was 2 AM, and I had to get up at 7 AM.

Waking up I felt like shit again, I repeated this cycle for the next two nights, without the drinking the lack of sleep had the same effect.  I am a bit of a schmoozer, couple that with spending time with my managers, who have never been to a car wash tradeshow, meant that I spent the entire time on the tradeshow floor.  Walking around, teaching, asking questions for 6 hours sucked no breaks to eat, or drink. 

Monday night I tried to workout.  I did 45 minutes of rowing, and a Tabata workout with push-ups, sit-ups, and rowing.  I could feel as I worked out I couldn’t get my body temperature up, and I was winded the entire time. 

I sweat like an obese guy wearing a suit made of latex, which is why I was concerned when after an hour workout I barely had soaked through my undershirt.

I went to bed feeling cold, and turned the heat in my room up to 80 degrees.  I woke up the next day feeling better but still with chills.  By the end of the tradeshow, I had gotten my brother in law sick, and I wasn’t feeling much better, he drove home most of the way, and the last hour of driving I wanted to jump out of the car. 

The unfortunate situation for me was, that the next morning I would have to go right to work, and just try to get to Saturday to take the day off.  When I did get to Saturday I still felt sick, my throat was sore, but no rest was possible. 

After two months of rain, and crappy weather, our first good Saturday meant that I had to be involved with the operation.  My people are good, but imagine a factory which churns out widgets, that runs awesome for an extended period of time, then no orders come in for two months.  The workers slow down, the machinery isn’t tuned to run at fast speeds, and a general malaise exists within the operation. 

Then literally a day later an order comes in which puts the factory at capacity.  I don’t care what you produce, or what you sell on those days you need your best operations people, in this case…me.  I spend Saturday and Sunday, helping to push our lines, and get my staff including managers back to a working pace which they are accustomed to, I at the same time was remaining objectively critical, so that quality was the same as two months ago. 

By Sunday Night I was broken.  I didn’t even feel like walking my dog.  With the pending Federal Holiday on Monday I knew I had just one more day to grind, and then I could rest…

Monday morning, and I was done.  I woke up, and stared at my ceiling, my body had enough.  This is how the conversation went in my head.

• Body: Mother fucker you aren’t going anywhere.
• Me: I have to get up and go to work.  It will be busy.
• Body: Did you not hear me bitch, time to stay here.
• Me: (Snoring)
• Benny: (gives me the “I have to Pee” whine and seated puppy dog eyes)
• Me: Fucking Dog!
• Body: Fucking Dog!
• Me: (snoring)
• Body: That’s right bitch! 

I woke up at noon, took him for a walk, did a couple of errands, and met my sister and her family for lunch.

Tuesday rolled around, and I wasn’t feeling all the much better, but the need to go workout was stirring in me like I needed another hit of crack.  So I did what I could an hour of elliptical, I found I still couldn’t get my body temperature up, my heart rate was pumping at anaerobic levels, but I wasn’t sweating. 

Even now as I type this I feel the chills, and have the sniffles.  I would love nothing more than to be able to go to a Crossfit class, part of the reason I wanted to workout yesterday was to find out if I’m still sick, or just in a funk.

As a result of this experience, I have been repeating this question in my mind, how do I resolve the conflict that exists between the determinations to succeed in one area, without it destroying the work I’ve done in another. 

I am still ill, and have no insight into the question I pose, but I realize that this cycle of work, work, work, no rest, work, work, work, helped fuel my weight gain because I never took the time for myself.   Now that I am in this cycle today, I don’t want to stay in it, but I do realize it is necessary at times, how do I get out, and keep them as short as possible.

This place I am today, I remember vividly, it was my status quo, and is how I woke up one morning Morbidly Obese, and weighing close to a quarter of a ton (literally).  I want to workout today to get back on schedule, but am unsure if it’s the right thing to do, I think maybe I should go to the doctor, but also don’t want to be a whiny bitch which I am prone to being.

Thus is the psychosis that is my current place of being.

The two wins I pulled from this, is that first I haven’t gained weight, and have lost a couple of pounds which I’m a sure is a result of having ZERO appetite, and after Monday’s protest by my body I took Tuesday off too. 

I’m a slow learner what can I say?

Thanks everyone for the concerned e-mails, sometimes you just don’t know what to do even when people reach out.