I went on vacation this past week to Key West.

It was a fantastic time.  I haven't felt this relaxed since I was a freshman in college.  So I guess this what people mean by living life. 

I've been so wrapped up in working and "paying dues" the past decade that I've forgotten what it was to have a life.  In fact I don't recall actually ever really enjoying the moment as much I had this past week.  A real effort had to be made by me to just enjoy the sun, the beach, the ocean, the amazing Key West Sunset.  I was very tempted to run away and drive a taxi in Key West or work at one of the information center selling adventure trips, I really was considering my happiness over anything else.  Alas, I am back home and back at work.

The incredible thing was as much alcohol as I had down there I actually was able to maintain my pre-vacation weight of 336.  If it wasn't for the key lime pie, and eating late I'm actually sure I would have lost five pounds while on vacation.  I think it was the combination of no stress and the heat but I was never really hungry.  Not once did I have one of those binge needing dinners, or a sugar craving desire to eat a bunch of crap. 

The recent weight gain was over the course of two days since I've been back.  I haven't done anything too intense but the internal drive to satiate some unidentifiable hunger was back as soon as I was home.  I have to wonder how much was real physical hunger, and how much was knowing the impending stress build up.  The more I write this posting the more I wonder if it is possible to lose the amount of weight that I need to lose while living in a stressful environment. 

I do know that I am driven to lose weight, but it get's so much harder when I can't find much to look forward to on a daily basis.  It's so physically draining that I'm exhausted day in and day out.  There are many days when I have to take caffeine pills to get the energy burst to workout. 

The next few weeks I will be analyzing my life, where I am and how ended up here, because it's not were I'm supposed to be nor is it where I want to be, I need to redirect this ship.  I will continue to learn to live life even at home and try and find ways to find enjoyment in present situation, ultimately I will be handcuffed any options until I reach a healthy weight. 

I am setting a goal to reach 330 lbs by the end of this month.  This will hopefully provide a solid platform to get below 320 next month.  I've let two months pass without significant improvement.  It is necessary to truly push myself and move forward in my weight loss.  

I know that next summer when I'm Key West I'll be able to do with my shirt off, and knowing that people will think my girlfriend is my girlfriend, and not my younger sister or niece.