I read my blog today, and was dumbfounded to realize that the blog itself dates back to 2009.  June 2009 is the date that I felt it necessary to create virtual peer pressure to overcome my battle with obesity.  It's now February 2011. 

Time flies when you are on a yo-yo rollercoaster of weight gain and weight loss.  I've been as heavy as 443lbs, and as light as 333lbs.  Today I weighed in at 355lbs.  Still the size of an NFL offensive lineman I am encumbered daily by weight both mentally and physically.  It's exhausting…I'm just so tired of being obese.  I’m tired of wondering what people think as I walk my little dog, and hold the hand of my petite girlfriend.  I’m tired of wondering if the seat I’m sitting in at a restaurant will break.  I’m tired of wondering if I will live past the age of 40.

My last drop off from blogging in September of last year started with feeling depressed that I hadn't made much progress.  It was exasperated by inconsistent workouts because I didn't get more aggressive with my trainer about missing appointments or showing up late (he was bad with time management).  Ultimately he flaked out on me in December, and I haven't heard a word from him since…

I was so pissed, and bitter.  I enjoyed wallowing in my self pity, and blamed him for my lack of commitment.  It is always easier to blame someone else then it is to accept that I am always in control of my behavior.  I am the engine that drives my destiny, and can only be accountable for my own actions, my own responsiveness to others. 

As January rolled around and the year changed to 2011, I was in the same unhappy “blaming place”. 

Towards the end of January I got tired of feeling bad, and realized that I was sitting at gate of rapid weight gain.  I was eating late night snacks, not exercising, oversleeping, and over eating.

I had to make a change.  I sought out a new trainer, and a new gym.  I have found what I think to be a home in terms of the working out. 

My trainer Zap has me do lots of exercises similar to my last trainer, but uses a little less weight, a few less reps, yet incorporates more exercises into an hour keeping my heart rate up.  I am constantly moving, my hour sessions fly by because I spend 55 minutes of it working.  Okay they don’t fly by, it’s more like 55 minutes of pure agony, and asking myself what the hell have I gotten myself into, I’m starting to become a masochist, the pain is turning into an opiate.  My personal training is always followed by 30 minutes of cardio. 

So what’s the problem then?

I eat like a fat guy.

I have been told that your diet affects your weight loss more than your exercise, I’ve even heard numbers such as 25% of weight loss is from working out, while 75% is from diet.    I have repeated this statistic to other people with truly understanding it.  It took Zap to tell me in a straightforward simple way, “your eating is the problem”.  He tells me I clearly am not afraid to “work” but, if I ate better the weight would just melt away. 

How do I fix something that is so innate to human existence as breathing?  I made a decision that the only way to overcome this habitual overeating is to take myself out of my environment.   Take myself away from social gatherings, and business lunches.

March 21^st 2011 I am traveling to Malibu California to a place that used to be called Fitness Ridge, but is now called the Biggest Loser Spa.  I will spend 2 weeks of exercise coupled with being taught how to eat.  Who the fuck knew fat people have to be taught how to eat?

I have a plan for the next 6 months which is my last effort to lose weight naturally, the way god intended it to be…if at the end of 6 months I have not gotten below 300 lbs I am going to pick a surgical method to lose weight.

I can’t continue to live in this body.  It sucks 1000 different ways, and I am starting to feel glimpses of the damage done to my joints.  This battle for my life is getting tougher, it’s entering uncharted territory, and because it’s the first time I’m starting to think I can’t do this without surgery.