What motivates me?
I’m pissed off, I don’t what it is, but I am angry. Angry because I allowed myself to get over 400 lbs, after having been close to 300 lbs in high school, then lost all of it, enjoyed 8 years of being lean, then got fat again. I am pissed that I am still stuck in the 270’s, and wear a size 42 pant. Fuck 42, and fuck you for staring at my large ass. I’m also angry that when I watch my workout videos I have a gut, and I still waddle like a 400 pounder.
When I’m in a workout I want to throw the barbell into the ceiling, or when rowing I want to physically move the rower across the gym floor. It comes from a fire which is lit by my past failures, disappointments, and indiscretions.
I want to be less than 200 lbs as much as I want to have fuck you money. I think about my weight and my physical state as much as I think about driving a Porsche 911 that I paid cash for, or being the American Heterosexual man that I am, having sex with Jessica Alba, by the way being the average guy I’m sure I would cut a digit off if it meant I could sleep with Jessica Alba.
I just want to achieve a state of excellence; I want to feel that gold that is the end of a black rainbow of pain. The problem with this desire is, at times I forget to love the race instead of the finish. Loving the race I feel is the difference between winners and losers, is that losers think too much about the accolades that come with winning, but don’t actually like the process, or don’t have the competitive spirit which all winners are uniquely attuned to, and almost seem like a manifestation of perfection.
I am beginning to appreciate the process more, and have truly started to live in the moments of each of my workouts, but a bit of me still think like a loser and wants that feeling of accomplishment.
The Dark Place
This is place is something I am seeking in each of my workouts. I am trying to work so hard that my body wants to self implode. The dark place is that moment where my body has reached exhaustion, and physical exertion isn’t enough anymore, it’s the mental fortitude that pushes me through the workout. I think of my dark place like entering a cave with no access to light, it’s cold, dark, and I am very alone. I struggle to climb the walls, and the more I exert the darker, and tighter the cave becomes. Just in that moment of the walls caving in, in that moment that I can’t breathe anymore, I see a glimmer of light, and that glimpse to freedom reinvigorates my efforts, and I break out of the cave like Uma Thurman breaks out of her coffin in Kill Bill.
It’s in this moment; I begin to understand who I am, and why I walk the earth. If I wasn’t working out, I would probably think I was on peyote.
My Dark Place is addictive, it’s progressive, and the more I workout the harder it is to find.
Wanting to Feel Normal
A part of my motivation is to just feel normal. I’ve spent 2/3 of my life feeling like an outsider, because of my weight. On the one hand it is why I think outside of the box, and have insights which I feel are different than most peoples, it could also be why I have such a fucked up sense of humor.
But feeling socially ostracized, even if it’s self induced, sucks. I still don’t like going out with my friends because I feel uncomfortable in crowded rooms, or bars. My narcissism makes me think that everyone in the room is staring at me, like “Oh who let the Sumo Wrestler Out?”
I no longer want to buy clothes at the Fat Guy Store, I mean the “Casual Men” store, which is code for “We Only Sell Pants with The Stretchy ‘Relaxer’ which is further code for ‘It Fits When I Standing, but When I Sit my Girthy Midsection Make Normal Pants want to Burst’”. I hate walking into this store, and am so close to never having to shop there that I’m pissed that I’m not there yet, it’s I’m on an island and standing between me and civilization is a river of molten hot lava that is just beyond my ability to jump across it.
I went on an Outward Bound trip in high school, and I fell in love with the mountains. It’s on this trip that I decided I want to climb Mount McKinley which is in the Denali National Park. I think that I can work up to doing this by the summer of 2013.
I realized a month ago 2012 is too soon, but my plan is to go to a 1 or 2 week Mountaineering School to refresh my skills, and learn some new ones, then working towards climbing McKinley. Climbing Mountain Peaks in high school and college was my first experience with the Dark Place, and I think I want to reconnect to that part of my soul by following through with one of my high school desires.
I have other motivators which are less important, but these 5 are at the core of my desire to become leaner, and more athletic.
11/17/2011 Thursday Morning Workout
Apparently PCF will doing more Olympic lifts during our power lifting sessions, it’s part of a new “cycle” of work, which is why this week we have been working on establishing 1 rep maximums for Clean and Jerks, and Snatches. Yesterday was an off day for me so I didn’t establish a 1 rep maximum for power cleans or clean and jerk.
I established 1 rep maximum today of 135 lbs for my Squat Snatch and 115 lbs for my Power Snatch. I am confident that I can Power Snatch 135 lbs but by the time I got to doing Power Snatches I was exhausted and my form was not breaking down but broken.
Here is video from my Snatches.
The Metcon was a 5 minute AMRAP of 1 handed kettle bell snatches, and 10 pull ups. I did the kettle bell snatches with a 35 lbs kettle bell and did ring rows instead of pull ups. My strength to weight ratio is not in the right place, so I am 100% sure I have to drop to less than 250 lbs before I can start doing pull ups.
I finished 3 rounds and 20 reps for the Metcon. There is no video because I no longer want to see myself flailing when doing ring rows.
After the Crossfit WoD I rowed for 40 minutes doing a session of treading. I am going to incorporate rowing as an after workout calorie burner. On days that we have short Metcons I will do a rowing session which is based on the C2 Concepts Workout of the Day which is posted on their website.
That is all.